


i wanna hold hands with you (but that's all i wanna do right now)

by reciprolouis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Asexual Character, Coming Out, Gen, Harry is gay, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, ace louis, also maybe a romantic relationship so beware of that, aro louis, aroace louis, gryles? maybe? not too much though, i suck at writing dialogue lmao, maybe a qpr down the line, recipro louis, very side Ziam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-14 09:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7164809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reciprolouis/pseuds/reciprolouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>louis tomlinson is aromantic and asexual. harry styles is gay. harry likes louis. louis doesn't know what to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer!! So basically, I identify pretty well with recipromantic (although lately I've been using aroflux). This story is sort of based off of my experience, which is obviously not everyone on the aromantic/asexual spectrum's experience, and I don't mean to ignore people who id as aro from a young age and continue to. That's of course a valid experience, and so is mine, and so is Louis's in this fic. In no way do I mean to say that people who identify as aro need romantic relationships because of course not! This is only meant to be more of an exploration of Louis into himself, plus I don't think I've ever read a fic where anyone is recipro and that's really important to me SO tl;dr aro people are aro if they say they are and they do not need romantic relationships to fulfill their life but this is a portrayal of one experience. (also maybe it will end in a qpr I haven't decided yet)
> 
> Title from Troye Sivan's Talk Me Down

Louis Tomlinson didn’t care for romance. Sure, Disney movies where the prince and princess end up happily ever after were cute, and he liked cuddling with his friends on occasion, he enjoyed romance movies (the cheesier parts made him snort, though) but while the rest of the boys in his class were talking about the girls they liked, he found himself immensely bored. That isn’t to say he didn’t have crushes, but they were few and far between. Usually they happened when someone picked up his books when he’d dropped them in the hall, or commented on his acting skills after a particularly awesome drama class.  
For all his disinterest though, Louis Tomlinson knew he was a flirt. It wasn’t on purpose, he just genuinely liked talking to people, and often those people perceived his kindness for flirtation. He felt badly for “leading them on,” as his friend Zayn would say, but he never understood the appeal. For a while he thought he may be gay, but he soon realized that even though he thought boys and girls were aesthetically pleasing, he just wasn’t interested.  
  
One day, when he was fourteen, he had a bit of a panic when Zayn and Liam teased him for never kissing a girl. When they egged him on to find out if he had a crush on Eleanor, one of the girls in their class, he blushed and responded that he had never had a crush. They mocked him, and he knew they didn’t mean anything by it, but he felt like there was something wrong with him.  
  
As soon as he got home after school, he opened his laptop and googled “I’ve never had a crush please help.” After reading through a few results saying bullshit like “you just haven’t found the right person!” and “you’re still young yet,” he found what he needed: a thread on being aromantic. Reading through the experiences on that site, he realized that they described him. There was a whole community dedicated to people who felt like him, and even people who sometimes felt like him, and people who didn’t care for sex – asexual, he read, and nodded, that fit him too, he thought – and it was like the entire world opened up to him.  
  
He didn’t feel the need to tell anyone right away, it wasn’t a pressing matter; it was something he could just have for himself right now. Besides, he wasn’t sure what anyone’s reaction would be. Zayn and Liam would probably just tease: “Are you sure you’re not gay? It’s okay, mate, you know.” He didn’t need anyone else’s reassurance though, he had his own and for now that was enough.  
  
He was aromantic, asexual, and damn proud of it.  
  
Which is why Harry Styles was an absolute fucking enigma.

***

Harry Styles entered Louis’s life when they were both seventeen. Louis had identified as aroace for three years at that point, had told his mother (who cried, unfortunately, but reassured him that she still loved him), and was perfectly comfortable with himself. He even had a tumblr for all his aro and ace posts, decorated in pastel purples and greens. Then Harry Styles swept in, curly hair, green eyes, and all.  
Louis didn’t think much of him at first. They were friendly, then acquaintances, then friends, but that was that. Louis admired Harry for being so out and proud, so much more than Louis himself felt at times, but he never had any romantic interest in him and Harry knew that. He wasn’t out to Harry, but Harry thought he was confused about his orientation and told Louis that he was always there to talk. Slowly but surely, Louis began opening up to Harry, telling him that he found both boys and girls attractive (not a complete lie, he did find them aesthetically pleasing), and Harry continuously encouraged him. Zayn and Liam, and Niall, who had now joined their group from Harry’s side, accepted that Louis may be bisexual, and that was once again that. 

Until the fateful day Louis received a note in his locker, written in what was unmistakably Harry’s handwriting, reading:

_Heeeyyyy Lou!_  
_So, I kind of have a crush on you?_  
_This is sort of a weird way to tell you I guess, but I kinda panicked, haha_  
_-H_

And that was when Louis lost it.

Like that first day when he was fourteen, Louis ran home, fighting back the tears that threatened the corners of his eyes. He ran past his mom and sisters, at the table chatting about their day, and straight into his room where he lay down and stared at the ceiling.  
  
_Why me? Harry’s so great but I’m so aro and I know he wants the romance because he’s such a sap and I hate this I hate this I hate myself why am I like this why is Harry like this he doesn’t know but why why why –_  
  
His thoughts were interrupted by a gentle knock at the door. He murmured a weak acceptance, and his mum appeared in the doorway with a mug of hot chocolate.  
“What’s wrong, darling?” she asked.  
  
“Hmmmm,” Louis hummed, sipping his hot chocolate and shrugging.  
  
“C’mon, Boo,” Jay encouraged as she started rubbing circles in his back.  
  
“Well-“ Louis started, and he told her the whole story. How he found the note in his locker, how he ran home, how he felt _broken_ for really the first time. He’d read about bad ace days, but he was fortunate enough that they rarely happened to him. But now, well.  
  
“Honey, it’s okay. You’re not broken. I love you, your sisters love you, Zayn and Liam love you, Harry loves you-“  
  
“Yeah, well, Zayn and Liam don’t know do they, and Harry’s sort of the problem here,” he snapped, then instantly regretted it. He started crying for real this time, curling into the warmness of his mother’s shoulder and sobbing. He felt like a mess, he felt like he didn’t mean anything, like he was broken, and he had absolutely no _fucking_ idea how to tell Harry he was aro. He would understand, maybe, sure, but Harry deserved better and he was so kind and Louis didn't want to feel like a baby and different, dammit.  
  
He decided, sitting there in his mother’s arms and chewing on a marshmallow, that the best course of action was to avoid Harry Edward _fucking_ Styles.


	2. chapter two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't edit this also didn't go quite as in depth with the weird harry/louis dynamic as i wanted necessarily but more of that's coming. also like this is super self-indulgent and by that i mean this is super me and how i feel right now sort of so! yeah i need a zayn to talk to

Avoiding Harry turned out to be next to impossible, because of course it was. They had four classes together, they sat at the same lunch table, they were best friends for fuck’s sake.  
So Louis did his best to pretend that he’d never seen the note, to avoid one-on-one interactions with Harry and, on the instances where those _did_ happen, he’d just act like nothing had happened. Harry would make a joke and Louis would laugh, but always a little too short, too aware.  
  
Everything was fine.  
  
Except nothing was fine at all because Louis really actually missed joking around with Harry, when he laughed he would see Harry glance at him sideways, knew that there was something just slightly different about their interactions, knew that Liam, Niall, and Zayn had picked up on it as well. And he knew that he felt differently than he ever had before. Suddenly Harry looked more enticing, but that didn’t fucking make sense because Louis was fucking _aromantic._  
  
And even if he _did_ have a crush on Harry, weren’t crushes supposed to feel like butterflies in your stomach, not a giant knot that wouldn’t move?  
  
And so Louis suffered, day after day, going home and wondering what in the goddamn hell was wrong with him. He considered talking to Zayn, but was afraid that he still wouldn’t get it. Liam might, but Louis felt weird going to Liam before going to Zayn. Niall was right out; Niall was too close to Harry. He kept to himself, never going out with the lads unless he was sure Harry wouldn’t be there. It was all becoming unbearable and he couldn’t handle it.  
  
Until he got an email from Harry.  
  
_Hiiiii Louis,_  
_So clearly you were uncomfortable with the whole crush thing, which is, y’know, pretty upsetting because I really thought you liked me back and I thought you were gay – or, like, bi – but I guess I was wrong. Or you didn’t see it, I guess. Or you just don’t like me, which, that’s fine, that’s great, just I wish you would’ve told me. But I guess it’s in the past, whatever, I hope we can go back to normal._  
_xx_  
_-H_  
  
Fuck.  
  
Now, Louis decided, it was time to talk to Zayn. There was no way he could navigate this on his own and even though his mom knew, he didn’t want to worry her with his anxiety and nerves and –  
He picked up his phone.  
  
“Lou?” Zayn mumbled from the other end, as if he’d just woken up. Louis glanced at his alarm clock. It was two in the morning. Shit.  
  
“Zayn I… Fuck. Zayn, Harry likes me,” Louis said, knowing all too well he sounded like a middle schooler gossiping with his friends for the first time. But really, it was the first time. For him.  
  
“’Course he likes you, he’s your best mate,” Zayn replied, still groggy, “’Sides me, I guess.”  
  
“No, like… he… shit, he _like_ likes me, Zee.” More middle school.  
  
“So? ‘re gay, ren’t you?”  
  
“No… well. No. Can you meet me outside the McDonald’s down the road? I need to talk.”  
  
“Yeah, I s’pose… Gonna need to get up though. See you in fifteen?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah thanks,” Louis hung up, only just realizing how hard his heart was beating in his chest. He was about to come out to his best friend. His palms were sweaty and his hands shook as he pulled on track pants and a beanie and did his best to sneak out past the girls’ bedrooms.  
  
***  
  
He made it to McDonald’s in five minutes and went inside to get a burger and fries. He needed something to distract him from his thoughts as he waited for Zayn, who came down the street on hi skateboard, pulled up next to the bench Louis was on, and took a fry.  
  
“You were just asleep,” Louis said.  
  
“Yeah, but hunger knows no sleep does it young Tommo?”  
  
Louis rolled his eyes, Zayn had probably gotten high before bed and not eaten, but that wasn’t important right now. He stayed quiet, bracing himself for the inevitable.  
  
“So what’s your deal? ‘Arry’s got a crush on you, and you’re… not gay? Y’know Louis, I’ve told you this before-“  
  
“Yeah, yeah. It’s okay if I’m gay, I know. But I’m not gay, Zee, I’m aro.”  
  
“A-what?”  
  
“Aro. Aromantic. And ace – asexual – too, actually. Like, I’m not attracted to anyone. Sexually or romantically.”  
  
Zayn furrowed his eyebrows, not quite awake enough to comprehend what Louis said.  
Louis sighed. “You know how you and Liam are always talking about the girls you like and what you want to do with them? I don’t want to do that. Or like, I don’t care for it. I don’t see someone and immediately want to fuck them, or imagine a wedding and a future together. It’s just not me.”  
  
“Okay,” Zayn said slowly. “Okay, I kind of get it. But why don’t you just tell Harry that.”  
“Because I like Harry, Zee, and I can’t just treat him like that. It’s not his fault I’m broken. And… fuck, I might _like_ like him too and I’ve never had to deal with that and I was so sure of myself and now this.”  
  
“Boo Bear,” Zayn said, putting his arm around Louis, who had his face in his hands and was full-on sobbing. “Louis, bro, listen. First of all, I love you, okay? You’re not broken, you’re you, and I wouldn’t trade you for anyone. And listen, mate, I may not know a lot about that gay and aromantic stuff, but I know that it’s okay if your feelings change. It’s okay if you do like Harry in that way. You’re not stuck to one label. Fuck, I’m not even comfortable with ‘straight’ all the time.” He rubbed Louis’s back soothingly. Louis had started hiccupping, but looked up as Zayn finished.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“Yeah, I uh… I kissed Liam once. On purpose. It was nice. Anyway, this isn’t about me. The point is, you are valid and I love you, okay?”  
  
Louis nodded. He knew it, he knew that only he could define his orientations and that no one else could do it for him, that if he felt aro he was aro. But he still didn’t know quite what to make of things.  
  
He and Zayn headed back to the Tomlinson household, Zayn texting his mother that he was at Louis’s. As Zayn lay falling asleep next to Louis, his breath calming him, he opened Safari on his phone like the time he was fourteen.  
  
***  
  
_Recipromantic._  
That’s the word Louis found, woke Zayn up early the next morning, overjoyed that he found a word on the aromantic spectrum that seemed to describe what he was feeling. Zayn had smiled, hugged him, said I told you mate, nothing wrong with you.He realized that he did, actually, find Harry attractive – in a purely aesthetic sense – and that he wouldn’t be completely uncomfortable dating him. He was still ace, though, he was pretty sure – sex was still something that sometimes repulsed him, and he wasn’t particularly into Harry that way.  
  
He wasn’t completely sure about the romance thing yet, either, but at least he found a word that could pertain to his situation.  
  
_Recipromantic_ , a term describing attraction that only occurs after you know someone is romantically interested in you.  
  
He didn’t even have to give up his aro label.  
  
What’s more, he had, in all his agony, forgotten completely about QPRs, which he figured may be a viable option for him and Harry while he figured out whether he was really interested in the whole romance thing. It still didn’t entirely appeal to him, but he knew that he wouldn’t mind being closer to Harry now that he realized that he wasn’t giving up his identity, that it was just changing a little.  
  
Life was looking up.


End file.
